Right about now back to school supply lists are cropping up everywhere. Staples usually has brightly colored fliers available with supply lists for each grade level, and almost every office supply store advertises having just exactly what you're child will need to get the new school year started. This advertising unfortunately happens well before teachers actually send out supply lists from the classrooms, and every year kids come to school with heaps of supplies they really don't need-and often, are missing a few that they could really use.

Here's the thing. Most public schools, including the one I teach at, are not actually allowed to require parents to provide any supplies at all for their children. The thing about public education is that it's supposed to be free-including materials. But because of the advertising pressure that starts mid summer and builds with a frenzy towards those last weeks in August when schools start, parents often get pushed into buying items their kids don't really need and will likely not use-or even be allowed to use at school.

Private schools of course, are allowed to request that parents buy supplies, but it's still a frugal idea to wait until the required supply list arrives in the mail, than to forge ahead using an in store checklist. But if your kid is already itching to buy new stuff, here are some basic dos and don'ts to help you decide what's necessary and what maybe isn't't.

DOS:

A sturdy backpack. Something that your child can zip and unzip himself with enough pockets to store homework, lunch, and an extra piece of clothing (or several.) Many kids like the rolling backpacks-but they often are hard to store in the classrooms, as they're typically too big for cubbies.

#2 Dixon Ticonderoga pencils. These are unanimously teacher's favorite pencils for writing-because they don't break in the sharpener! Don't skimp on the cheaper brands-but remember, if your child attends a public school, pencils should be provided. Still, a couple extra (sharpened) pencils that stay in your child's backpack will make it convenient for her to do homework while waiting for the bus.

Big eraser. The small erasers on the back of pencils inevitably get used much faster than the pencils. The big pink erasers are the best option. Some of the jelly-like erasers with designs and patterns on them don't actually erase very well.

A sturdy folder for homework. A system at home for checking backpacks, doing and returning homework-is a great idea. Having a consistent place to store homework will make it easier for your child to remember to do it! Kids love the two-pocket folders with fun graphics on the covers. Keep in mind, many teachers will use a particular homework folder for every child in the class-so check with your child's teacher if you're not completely sure you want to make the purchase.

A small, durable pencil case. Again, your child's teacher will likely provide the class with necessary supply containers. However, it's a great thing for your child to keep in her backpack with a few sharpened pencils and a good eraser-to take advantage of long waits for the school bus, or for you to pick her up, and get some homework done.

A notebook/journal. Kids love to doodle, write, and draw-and having a special notebook gives them a constructive and fun place to do so. Again, certainly not a must-have, but if you're going to splurge on an item your kid really wants, this one should be at the top of the list.

DON'TS:

Pencil sharpeners. Unless your teacher specifically asks you to provide one, skip it. They inevitably make a huge mess-everywhere.

Multiple-subject notebooks. For the early grades these are completely unnecessary. For the older grades, wait and see exactly what your child's teacher asks you to supply. Many times little kids end up hauling these around in their backpacks for weeks-without using them for anything!

Glue sticks & tape. Again, unless your teacher specifically asks you to provide these items, don't. Unless you send them in for the whole class---which is often a boon for teachers working with tight budgets. Independent kids with glue sticks however, can make a mess and get into trouble by using them when they aren't't supposed to be.

Rulers. Elementary age kids will not need rulers for school. Every classroom should have an adequate supply. Middle school kids doing geometry might, but again, your child's teacher will be very clear if you need to make that purchase.

Stapler. See above. And oy, have you ever noticed how much young children LOVE to staple EVERYTHING?

Post-it Notes. These are tempting-especially in all the cute styles and designs that are available. But they immediately become a distraction among peers, and are generally not a good idea.

Binders. Most elementary students (K-3) won't need a binder for any reason. Older students who are learning how to keep notes, or do homework from multiple classes might, but your child's teacher will let you know if this is a must have.

Scissors. Again-all elementary classrooms should have an adequate supply.

Crayons. Ditto. Every elementary classroom will have plenty of these!

Hopefully this list will help you navigate the lively process of buying back-to-school supplies with your child. These are tips of course, from my experience. I'm curious to hear what you have found are some back-to-school supply must-haves?

I have a memory from when the twins were about 2-years-old--I was past the intense worry of any relapse that would send us back to the NICU, and I'd finished reading everything I could find about Down syndrome. I began to poke my head up and look about and wonder, What are other families with kids with Down syndrome like? It was this curiosity that brought me to my first special needs play date at our local Child Development Center.

I remember rushing out the door, after spending too much time looking for an inexplicably missing shoe. I remember feeling nervous at the thought of meeting new people, especially other moms. Several times, I nearly turned the car around and headed home. Even in the parking lot, when I could see that a small circle of women had already gathered, I was overcome with doubt, thinking, Why did I agree to do this? and then telling myself, "It's for the kids; it's for Avery." But of course, it didn't turn out that way.

All these thoughts were familiar, and reminded me of my very first play group with my oldest son Carter. Both times, there was a wicker laundry basket in the middle of the room, filled with board books and stuffed animals and a Little People Yellow School Bus and bright Duplo blocks and a Lights and Sounds Shape Sorter. Nearby, there was an assortment of cookies and juice boxes. A mountain of shoes and jackets were piled in a corner, next to a stack of empty baby carriers and a line of parked strollers.

Other things were familiar: introductions, including the names of the children. The questions: "How many kids do you have? and "How old is your baby?" and "Where did you deliver?" Later, mostly told quietly, birth stories.

But these birth stories included a part about getting a diagnosis. Sometimes they were sad; other times they told of great relief in having an answer. The stories often referenced medical terms, and things like monitors and IV lines and extended hospital stays, even surgeries on tiny newborns.

The conversations covered practical matters, like PT, OT, ST. SSI, SSA, Early Intervention. Low tone versus high tone. Ear tubes, vitamin therapy. Dry skin, thyroid tests. And theoretical matters, too, like how prenatal diagnosis impacts the rights of the unborn, or how sibling relationships are affected by disability, or how various cultures view children and adults with visible differences.

The same, in both groups: mother guilt ("Am I doing enough?"); striving for balance ("Sometimes I feel overwhelmed."); and love ("I can't imagine my life without my child.") Both times, the hours passed too quickly, resulting in a mad dash to match shoes to feet, coats to kids until everyone was headed out the door, back to real life.

What I've come to realize is no less true for its obviousness: the play groups are as much for the moms as they are for the kids. It's a place where women can meet, if only briefly, with other moms who might share similar experiences--who might come to their mothering with common reference points.

Increasingly, I've been finding those shared experiences by connecting with other mothers online. Our words are what defines us; I'm drawn to the woman whose son might have a different diagnosis than mine, but her outlook on parenting feels like my own. Or a family halfway across the world, living in Australia--but they, too, have one older sibling and a set of twins, one with Down syndrome, one without. Sharing our stories--across the miles, across time--enables me to see our connectedness, our common bonds as families.

In the spirit of sharing, here are two sites that I love: Can I Sit With You? is an ongoing book and blog project that explores "The Stormy Social Seas of the Schoolyard." It's a collaborative effort fueled by donations of time and talent, and all proceeds are used to fund a local Special Needs PTA.

And identical twin sisters Janice and Susan, founders of 5 Minutes for Mom, recently launched 5 Minutes for Special Needs, edited by Tammy, who writes about her experiences mothering a medically fragile boy with Down syndrome at Praying for Parker. It's a group blog where parents of kids with special needs can find "support, insight, and inspiration."

What I've found, in all these instances--online and in person--is the value in telling our stories, to each other and because of each other. There we find strength, we find solace, we find commonalities. But mostly, we find ourselves.

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Gas prices, food prices, a lazy stock market, heck, even my dog's food increased in price significantly last month. There's no denying it, the cost of every day living is on the rise, and families are feeling it in their pocketbooks. That might not be good news to retailers, most of whom are gearing up right now for the back-to-school season. A whopping 90% of parents who completed an online survey said that they'd change their shopping habits this year, while 71% said they'd spend less, and 83% said they'd cut back on new clothes.

I can almost hear the protesting teenagers now.

As a mom and a grown woman, the pragmatic me says, "Kids don't need new clothes in July (or September, for that matter). Why not wait until they weather cools down, or even until Christmas?" The teenager who still lives inside of me, though, cringes. I remember needing that "perfect" outfit for the first day of school. My own daughter is young enough to be thrilled by a new backpack and some sharp looking pencils (as well as the dozen other items her teacher will likely require), but I know my day is coming when how much we spend on school clothes will be an issue at my house.

Will your back-to-school budget be affected by the economy this year?

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Playgrounds have changed a lot since I was a kid. Metal play equipment bolted onto hard concrete pads are a thing of the past. Today, playgrounds are made to be safe, with plastic equipment set atop cushioned surfaces designed to make sure nobody gets hurt while having a good time. For the most part, the changes are a good thing. But while kids may not be leaving layers of skin behind on the boiling hot slides or pavement, the sun can still heat a playground up to a dangerous level.

Anne Casson, a mom in Brooklyn, found this out when her toddler son's bare foot met the rubber safety mat covering a Brooklyn, New York playground. "He stepped onto the black mats and was screaming hysterically," Casson said. "When I picked him up, the skin was just hanging off his feet." That poor child spent four days in the hospital on morphine.

Although a spokesperson for New York's Parks Department says there were no similar incidents reported at any of the city's other playgrounds, doctors say it isn't uncommon. Two city hospital burn units say they see 16-18 young patients each year suffering from playground burns, mostly from the mats placed under junglegyms and slides.

In the hot summer months, those rubber mats can heat up to 165 degrees or more - hot enough to burn the skin in seconds. The city of New York insists their playgrounds are safe and that they have no plans to remove the mats or replace them with the CPSC- recommended lighter-colored ones.

Geoffrey Croft of NYC Park Advocates is outraged. "It is unconscionable that the city continues to install products in playgrounds that hurt the most vulnerable park users - small children," he said. "How many more have to get hurt until someone is held accountable?"

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He's simply a boy anxious to start kindergarten, but even at age five, Adriel Arocha is learning that, sometimes, things just aren't that simple. Adriel's dad is Apache and believes that Adriel's hair should remain uncut for traditional reasons. Adriel himself says that he needs his long braids because,"they tell me how long I've been here."

But when the family made plans to move to Needville, Texas and enroll their child in kindergarten, they didn't exactly receive a warm welcome. Adriel's mom emailed the school to inquire about enrollment and to mention his long hair, which, she explained, was always neatly kept in two long braids. The school emailed back that their dress code did not allow boys' hair to touch their collars. After a flurry of emails, phone calls, and meetings, the district decided that they were unwilling to budge on their rules for Adriel and his family.

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I have always sought the advice of mothers I admire, especially grandmothers. For parents like me who are in the thick of it, the wisdom of women who can see and reflect on the big picture is an invaluable asset. With five children under the age of nine, I am very busy and thus guilty of "short-term" parenting. You know, sweating the small things, not savoring fleeting moments, and other things that happen when we fail to look at the long picture. There's nothing like a conversation with a smart grandmother to put my parenting in perspective.

Just as important as the advice on what to do have been the cautionary tales on what not to do. One grandmother I know wished that she taught her sons to clean up. Their messy habits made them lousy roommates in college and in marriage. Another grandmother friend of mine regrets getting lax about hiding presents at Christmas time. She advised me to go to extraordinary lengths to keep Santa going, because "Christmas was never the same until I had grandkids."

For this column, I talked to my favorite grandmothers, including my own mother, and asked them to give their best advice for mothers. Here's what they had to say: